815

Dear Lord Lindleoff,
I don't need to learn a damn thing about the numbers or the Dharma Initiative or Desmond or the Others or the monster or even the polar bears, but is it too much to ask that "What Kate Did" involve leather, near-nudity, mud-wrestling and/or a tub of hot oil? I mean, that makes sense right? That fits into this "character-driven" mystery drama, does it not? She's obviously a very naughty girl...

Seriously, I know they promised "illuminating," but Kate's flashbacks better be exciting too, because I don't know how much I can take of E Lily and what's-his-name-that-plays-Sawyer grunting out flirtatious verbal barbs in between his moans and groans and septic death rattles.

So this Aggie pledge-ritual field-trip crash lands on a desert island. Utilizing their exhaustive stores or agriculture know-how and plain old gumption, they set up camp and go on with all the traditional rituals and hazing.

The first night, around the campfire after dinner as the fellas all cuddled up with their girlfriends (see above), one strapping young lad stood up and yelled, "4!"

Everyone erupted in laughter.

The laughter died down and another corn-fed young man arose.

"8!" he yelled, and this time the laughter was uproarious.

When those guffaws had finally died down, yet another young man stood up, the fire of meat-judging ablaze in his eyes.

"How about this one... 15!" he shouted and the crowd lost it. Rolling in the sand, gasping for air, slapping their knees.

"15! No he didn't! Aww man... 15."

"16!" someone else hollered. "23!"

The laughter was uproarious

One young freshman--a sweet, simple lad--didn't get it.

"What the hey's going on here?" he finally asked. "why y'all keep yelling out numbers and then everybody's crackin' up?"

An older guy pulled himself away from his wooly lady friend and took the confused young man aside.

"It's an Aggie joke book," he informed. "We all know the book so well that we just yell out page numbers, and everybody knows the joke."

"Oh, alright, I get it!" the young fella beamed. "Watch this!"

"42!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.

Silence. Not a sound but the crickets chirping in the jungle and the waves crashing on the beach.

"I don't understand," he asked. "What happened?"

"Don't know what to tell ya, man," the older fella consoled, shaking his head. "Some folks just can't tell a joke."

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. See you soon.

Tensions have subsided over here in the dungeon of 815 World HQ, and we're now okay with the whole glass eye thing.

Sure there are a ton of other unanswered questions floating about--we've seen neither the black smoke, the black rock, nor the hatch and it's mysterious "Chernobyl"-like wall in a while, and I think the monster may have been cut from the cast for conduct unbecoming a murderous yet camera-shy dinosaur--but we are merely passengers on this here ride, and if those that are in charge need to, unnanounced and unexplained, throw out there another ------- weird-ass twist for everyone to obsess over, so be it.

Namaste.

In this spirit of forgiveness and acceptance, we've done a little detective work and, in a surely fruitless attempt to figure out exactly who might be the unlucky owner of the no longer offending prosthetic, put together a dossier of sorts.

The suspects:

• The Boatnappers. Despite the fact that all visual evidence would indicate otherwise, they're, like, pirates. I mean, c'mon, one of 'em's gotta have an eyepatch.
  



• Locke. Not only does he have a scar around one of his eyes, but our serenely creepy island guru was actually once seen wearing two glass eyes. Sure it was in a dream, but so was Freddy, and he's your boyfriend now.
  



• Dr. Marvin Candle. Much has been made of the good Doctor's oddly limp arm, but check out dude's cock-eye. Huh?
  



• Jin's father-in-law. Again with the cock-eye. That can't be natural. What's up with that?
  



• The grease-truck dude Sawyer killed down under. Does anyone on this show have two working eyes?
  



• Also suspect are those Nigerian drug runners in the plane that fell on Boone. I couldn't find a screencap of them, but I can totally imagine one of their gaping skulls sporting an eye-patch. Their Priest get-ups might explain the bible too.
  
  



• Correct me if I'm wrong here. I'm not over-thinking this am I?
  
  

So what if he doesn't know Diamond D from the Mighty Diamonds, you gotta love Bill Simmons for dropping jewels like this into a NFL "Contenders and Pretenders" column...

Remember in "Lost" this week, when Ana Lucia climbed the mountain with the dude holding the radio, and it seemed like they were having a casual conversation, only she was sizing him up the whole time because she thought he might be one of The Others, and there was that weird intensity in her eyes, like she was trying to remain cool, only deep down, she was waiting for the guy to pounce on her so she could stab him ... and it just went on like that for about two minutes before they finally started fighting? Riveting scene, right?

Well, that's every Cowboys fan dealing with Drew Bledsoe right now. Stick a camera on a Cowboys fan when Bledsoe goes back to pass in a close game, and I guarantee they have the Ana Lucia Face going. Everything seems casual. But it's not.

Now, Bill, just stop telling us how the Smashing Pumpkins were as good as Nirvana, and we'll be straight.

Found a screencap of our good man Eko's cryptic stick. Blew it up and flipped it.

"...I WILL LORD E..." is all I can make out.

Except for this appropriately named Fela track, that's all I've got...

Not quite, but there aren't (that I'm aware of) any classic 70s rock LPs called "We Finally Find Out What Happened to the Other Side of the Plane Tonight."

You get the point.

Thanks to the dedicated work of folks like those at thetailsection.com, where I grabbed the above screencap that clearly(?) shows a stab wound on Shannon's anorexic little belly, the Ana-didn't-shoot-her movement is steady gaining legitimacy.

Besides, Ana couldn't have done it...
What follows is technically a Spoiler, but I saw the pic in the Daily News last week, so it's hardly top secret. Once again, hi-lite the invisible text...
If you growed up the way she did, you gotsta understand, Ana love da kids...

Some guy named Dan lives in Japan and posts selections from his sketch-book up on the interwebs for our enjoyment. He did the above drawing in response to a Lost DVD marathon. Thanks, Dan.

Bigspaceship1 finally updated, and the new look is a painting of a cool little Dharma-shaped creature which links to a website dedicated to the Natural Selection/Eugenics work of some Nazi-fave crackpot biologist, Ernst Haeckel. Fascinating stuff. The paintings are gorgeous. Here it is in English.

EDIT: It looks as if Bigspaceship1 is back to its old changing-up-the-steez-every-couple-of-hours tricks. It's now taking me here, to a propaganda painting of some snow-bound miners, part of a series entitled "Nationalistic Themes in the Art of North Korea."

Some new info has popped up over at thehansofoundation.org. Clicking on Life-Extension Project now brings up a letter about a 105 year old talking orangutan named Cornelius Joop.

The last line of the letter is a link to a page with some garbled text, two buttons, and a password prompt. I tried a few obvious ones, and "815" took me back to the Hanso Foundation homepage.

Anybody find anything else? What's up with that other button?

Damn. Sayid's about to get all Republican Guard on Ana and them tailies like they're some Kurdish villagers. Is there a worse person on the island to piss off than the professionally trained sadist?

What really happened, though? Why the Hell would Ana shoot a hysterical screaming blonde running through the brush with all the grace (Martha Graham, my ass) of a drunken buffalo? That's not the others' style. Ana seems like she knows how to handle a piece, and she certainly doesn't seem like the shook type. Anybody else think somebody else got Shannon, and Ana actually shot her attacker?

Is Sayid about to go jihad on the wrong infidel?

Poor fellow, I feel sorry for the guy. As soon as his "English Patient"-honed charms finally bedded his lady, she makes him get her a glass of water, sees a ghost, runs off in the jungle, refuses to shut the fuck up despite clear instructions to do so, and then gets shot. I just hope he doesn't hold her behavior against all blondes.

Anyway, here's Walt's backwards talk if you're interested.

Allright y'all. No more silly jokes and Trading Spouses videos; this actually is a spoiler, although a relatively minor one. Basically it gives a sneak peak at the former career of a previously unflashback-ified character. I don't think it reveals a whole lot about any ongoing mysteries, but it's pretty damn grown and sexy.

Hi-lite the invisible text...
M-Rod's a cop. Yikes. I don't think there's ever a good time to make an Abner Louima joke, but oh the things that woman could do...
and click away.

Bigspaceship1 step your game up! Almonds can't touch the legendary pink (green?) dots.

Possible Spoiler Alert!

Dunno why Herr Lemon hasn't posted this up yet, since he hooked me up with it last night, but anyway.

Rumor has it this is a deleted scene from last season (just watch, you'll see why) and if so it sheds quite a bit of light on some of the show's underdiscussed themes, from domestic disharmony to the possible presence of demons and their minions walking among us.

You have to see this to believe it.