Friday, September 30, 2005

Who's Bad?


A theory.

Not of the “they’re all clones, the numbers are a gene-sequence, the island is a time-machine, the ‘others’ are actually a renegade Burning Man/Renaissance Fair offshoot who brought Oceanic Flight 815 down with their collective (and psychotropically enhanced) desire to see Kate dance around a drum-circle while topless and slathered with body-paint” variety, though. No, this is a simpler, more character-driven proposal.

Jack is evil. Seriously. He’s our bad guy.

He started off cool enough, barking “Sew me up woman, that’s all you’re good for anyway…” or something to that effect at Kate and then getting down to business rescuing folks, but it’s been all downhill from there. That moment of macho bravado right after the plane crashed was the peak of Jack’s likability. Not a good look.

Is there any other character on LOST as hard to root for as Jack?

Whiney and weak-willed Charlie, pompous and pernicious Locke, even surly and slimey Sawyer--all have displayed various qualities of warmth or humor or enough empathy at least that I wouldn't slit my wrists with a rusty coconut if forced to spend time trapped on island with one of them.

Jack's a straight dick, though. Let's review: Jack was found separate from the rest of the survivors when the plane crashed. Jack, the doctor, has to force back his gag reflex in order to say something encouraging to a patient. Jack, the “Shephard” of his band of survivors, wanted to ignore the mysterious man-made hatch on the supposedly deserted island where he and his flock are marooned. That seems like poor “vision” from the man in charge, no? What’s next, he cuts funding for the levees protecting the island’s impoverished 9th Ward? Jack could have bagged Kate long ago but for some reason decided that whilst castaway on a deadly-yet-picturesque tropical beach with a total babe making goo-goo eyes was the wrong time to bust a move. Say what?

All this is not an accident on the writers’ part. The guy is unlikable for a reason. He’s evil.

He's Evil Jack.

The Frogs - "I'm Evil Jack"
Posted by Mr. Babylon, 8:15 AM | link | (2) comments

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

What Did One Snowman Say to the Other?

Posted by Mr. Babylon, 8:15 PM | link | (5) comments

Your Dogma

We caught but a few brief glimpses of it in Episode 1, but intrepid folks on the internet have put their socially outcast heads together and created a discernable image out of that mysterious Dead Prez poster I-Ching logo.

The yin-yang is a swan, and the word reads "DHARMA," or perhaps (if, as indicated by the possibly backwards "R," it is a mirror image) "AMR-AHD," an acronym that supposedly has some sort of military or medical or magnetic connotations, but which I am far too lazy to look up.

I like "DHARMA" better anyway; it feels good on the tongue, and is redolent of avocados and alfalfa sprouts and bad bumper-stickers and even worse sitcoms. Say it with me, "DHARMA," and Jenna Elfman is too adorable to get mad at as her flakiness screws the pooch yet again. "DHARMA," and Alan Rachins is a creepy and stoned pervert in a VW Vanagon. "DHARMA"and your kind of hot yoga instructor just farted.


Post-Episode 2 Update: The symbol was seen quite clearly on the hatch wall, as a breast insignia on Desmond's Dickies, all over the pantry, and was even (in a similar form but with only a simple black line where the swan and letters should be) on the shark's tail.
Posted by Mr. Babylon, 8:15 AM | link | (4) comments

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Check your batteries.

Of course, someone beat me to this: head over to our pals Music for Robots to download everyone's favorite hatch jam, posted below in a show of solidarity and convenience, and not as any form of biter-dom. (Lord knows they get 50,000 hits a day to our 12.) Like Mark said, it's a particularly inspired piece of music direction, and is really pretty ballsy when you consider the fact that they could have gotten a hefty chunk of change for having Desmond rock the new, I dunno, Interpol single or something.

Mama Cass Elliot - "Make Your Own Kind of Music"

And lest it get bumped down and forgotten, here's Walt's krazy backward-talk, reversed for your listening pleasure, with the DRAMATIC MUZIKS racheted down a notch, so as to not blow our yr earholes. So: what button? What conflict is this setting the new, responsible Shannon up for? And if the button's bad, why's Young Wally Gator telling her to (ahh ooh) push it? The world may never know. At least for like 15 more episodes.

Young Drippy practices his cover of Radiohead's "Like Spinning Plates."

Late-breaking theory! I take back my "no endorsements" talk: maybe Walter is hocking the latest Chemical Brothers album?
Posted by Lemon-Red, 10:38 PM | link | (0) comments

Is it crass to think the JetBlue landing-gear fiasco was a Lost promo gone bad? (Especially since there was a JetBlue ad at minute 42 of the premiere, and there was a media reporter on board - Hi, boo!)

Walt's kidnapping was one of the most genuinely terrifying moments I've ever seen on TV, right up there with the flickering scenes of Bob on Twin Peaks. By comparison, the season premiere was all chess, save for the guns-upon-guns-upon-guns at the end. Makes you appreciate just how genuinely strange the first season was.

And dense, too. If we're setting Jack up for a spiritual awakening, fine, but there was hardly a hint of Arzt-monologuing self-awareness about the prioritizing of a few characters over the bulk of the others. (Although maybe with Desmond collecting them like Matchbox cars, some new heroes will step up). No sign of the raft massive ('cept for the backwards-talking Walt) or Ana Lucia and the Back End Boys.

C'mon JJ - If Nip/Tuck can get a 90-minute premiere, certainly someone could've sprung for a few more establishing scenes up in this bitch.

Matthew Fox looks silly with hip hair.

Sure, we want to know what's in the hatch, but not to the exclusion of the rest of the plotlines. I can wait a few more episodes before finding out who killed Laura Palmer.
Posted by JON, 2:20 PM | link | (2) comments

(eye) M sick?

Let us all bite our tongues in regards to yet another Jackcentric back-story, assume this is going to follow a set-'em-up-and-knock-'em-down format, and marinate on a couple of the tasty morsels JJ and co. did deliver.

The hatch is revealed to be a fly Fuller-ian geodesic-dome bachelor-pad replete with Hi-Fi, excer-cycle, lava lamp, blender, and a network of custom Apple IIs. If only we could all be shitting in such tall cotton.

Our well-appointed hatch's hatch-keeper may or not have in the past performed a miracle on Dr. Jack's behalf, and now appears to be organizing his hood under I-Ching banners.

Vincent the dog--an under-developed character whose back-story I'm now eagerly awaiting (and hoping for "Where the Red Fern Grows"-style tragic action/adventure)--led the newly sympathetic yet still anorexic Shannon to a jungle-vision of Walt channeling Twin Peaks, talking backwards and warning everyone either to "press the button" or not.

What y'all know about that?

Right-click/download for reversed mp3 of Walt's chatterin'.
"Press the button -- the button is bad"?
Posted by Mr. Babylon, 1:51 PM | link | (2) comments

Well, that happened.

My only thought for the moment: Mr. Irish seemed to be waking up and going about his morning routine when the hatch'splosion sent his record a'skippin'. But we know that the castaways blew the lid off in the middle of the night. From this, you can only assume that dude was getting up for his security shift, monitoring the whole island with his wacky Apple IIe-style computrons while everybody sleeps. Is he the one controlling the security system? What's the quarrantine/injections for? And why's dude keep calling Jack 'brother'?

And even though we knew Jack cured his (future) wife's legs, we didn't know how "miraculous" it was -- almost as miraculous as a certain islander's recovery. Makes you wonder why Jack doesn't believe a little more than he does...

To be continued, obv.
Posted by Lemon-Red, 1:14 PM | link | (3) comments

Monday, September 19, 2005


Step up your afropick game - Adebisi is coming round the mountain as he comes.

The trading cards that came with my last issue of EW put Rose on the same page as Matty Fox and "The Numbers," coding that the struggle between her and her husband Bernard will be a focal point for Season 2. Good. Because for a minute I thought she was gonna get less love than S. Epatha Merkerson at a Law & Order fan convention. ("Help me! Lord, help me!")

The object of her tortured affection: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. Lemon-Red, who points out that Sam "It'll get you drunk" Jackson was originally slated for the role, worries that our boy Adebisi is too young, but there's no more creased visage on television today. Well, that's not wholly true, but what is true is that even when he's acting normal, Adebisi looks ravaged. No spry island-jamming here - He's probably pulling the weight of Sawyer, Jack and Michael over on the other side of the island, while Ana Lucia works on a Rambo tan.

(Also, n.b. - excellent cross-promo for his role as Bill Duke's tough in Get Rich Or Die Tryin', where he rocks the disco gangster style 20 years late and presumably ends up on the wrong side of Curtis Jackson's snubnose.)
Posted by JON, 8:04 PM | link | (0) comments

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Last season left off with some wild action and high drama, subtly foretold by an eerily apropos Bob Marley song--Walt stolen from a ship, the lid blown off a bottomless pit, limbs made strong by the hand of the almighty, Locke having no fear of the island’s atomic(?) energy…--but were any of our many questions answered?

Not really, but that's the way it goes. The "viewers with control" string us along and along, just not for too long, lest we jump ship.

What’s in the hatch? A ladder. Now where does it go?

What’s the monster? Something mechanical, by the sound of it. But what?

What’s up with the cursed numbers? No clue.

Locke’s prescience? Walt’s Beastmaster steez and backgammon prowess? Nothing doing there either.

Frustrating ain’t it? Fret not, though, if I know anything about television (and I most certainly do not) many of these questions will be answered with the quickness in Season 2, so they can hurry up and throw a bunch more freaky mysteries our way.

So what happens? Don’t ask me, I’ll let you know on Thursday morning. I’ve got a few minor predictions, though.
Posted by Mr. Babylon, 1:42 PM | link | (0) comments

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Almost time to blow the lid off this thing.

Er, rather, see what it was, that thing they blew the lid off of.

Meanwhiles, the folks at Television Without Pity have cooked up a handsome postcard set to use next time you find yourself in the company of an insane French woman or a sunbathing polar bear.
Posted by Lemon-Red, 10:33 AM | link | (0) comments

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Feel like torturing yourself with flash-based ABC promotional goodies?

Go here. "Explore." Click on "Rousseau's Bunker." Connect the dots. Watch clips from last season. Get your DOOM on and shoot a polar bear.

Do the same for "The Hatch." Wait for a sneak preview of the season premier. Guess who's going down...

I'm sure there's plenty more, see what you can come up with.
Posted by Mr. Babylon, 5:51 AM | link | (0) comments