815

A theory.

Not of the “they’re all clones, the numbers are a gene-sequence, the island is a time-machine, the ‘others’ are actually a renegade Burning Man/Renaissance Fair offshoot who brought Oceanic Flight 815 down with their collective (and psychotropically enhanced) desire to see Kate dance around a drum-circle while topless and slathered with body-paint” variety, though. No, this is a simpler, more character-driven proposal.

Jack is evil. Seriously. He’s our bad guy.

He started off cool enough, barking “Sew me up woman, that’s all you’re good for anyway…” or something to that effect at Kate and then getting down to business rescuing folks, but it’s been all downhill from there. That moment of macho bravado right after the plane crashed was the peak of Jack’s likability. Not a good look.

Is there any other character on LOST as hard to root for as Jack?

Whiney and weak-willed Charlie, pompous and pernicious Locke, even surly and slimey Sawyer--all have displayed various qualities of warmth or humor or enough empathy at least that I wouldn't slit my wrists with a rusty coconut if forced to spend time trapped on island with one of them.

Jack's a straight dick, though. Let's review: Jack was found separate from the rest of the survivors when the plane crashed. Jack, the doctor, has to force back his gag reflex in order to say something encouraging to a patient. Jack, the “Shephard” of his band of survivors, wanted to ignore the mysterious man-made hatch on the supposedly deserted island where he and his flock are marooned. That seems like poor “vision” from the man in charge, no? What’s next, he cuts funding for the levees protecting the island’s impoverished 9^th Ward? Jack could have bagged Kate long ago but for some reason decided that whilst castaway on a deadly-yet-picturesque tropical beach with a total babe making goo-goo eyes was the wrong time to bust a move. Say what?

All this is not an accident on the writers’ part. The guy is unlikable for a reason. He’s evil.

He's Evil Jack.

The Frogs - "I'm Evil Jack"

We caught but a few brief glimpses of it in Episode 1, but intrepid folks on the internet have put their socially outcast heads together and created a discernable image out of that mysterious Dead Prez poster I-Ching logo.

The yin-yang is a swan, and the word reads "DHARMA," or perhaps (if, as indicated by the possibly backwards "R," it is a mirror image) "AMR-AHD," an acronym that supposedly has some sort of military or medical or magnetic connotations, but which I am far too lazy to look up.

I like "DHARMA" better anyway; it feels good on the tongue, and is redolent of avocados and alfalfa sprouts and bad bumper-stickers and even worse sitcoms. Say it with me, "DHARMA," and Jenna Elfman is too adorable to get mad at as her flakiness screws the pooch yet again. "DHARMA," and Alan Rachins is a creepy and stoned pervert in a VW Vanagon. "DHARMA"and your kind of hot yoga instructor just farted.

"DHARMA."

Post-Episode 2 Update: The symbol was seen quite clearly on the hatch wall, as a breast insignia on Desmond's Dickies, all over the pantry, and was even (in a similar form but with only a simple black line where the swan and letters should be) on the shark's tail.

Let us all bite our tongues in regards to yet another Jackcentric back-story, assume this is going to follow a set-'em-up-and-knock-'em-down format, and marinate on a couple of the tasty morsels JJ and co. did deliver.

The hatch is revealed to be a fly Fuller-ian geodesic-dome bachelor-pad replete with Hi-Fi, excer-cycle, lava lamp, blender, and a network of custom Apple IIs. If only we could all be shitting in such tall cotton.

Our well-appointed hatch's hatch-keeper may or not have in the past performed a miracle on Dr. Jack's behalf, and now appears to be organizing his hood under I-Ching banners.

Vincent the dog--an under-developed character whose back-story I'm now eagerly awaiting (and hoping for "Where the Red Fern Grows"-style tragic action/adventure)--led the newly sympathetic yet still anorexic Shannon to a jungle-vision of Walt channeling Twin Peaks, talking backwards and warning everyone either to "press the button" or not.

What y'all know about that?

Right-click/download for reversed mp3 of Walt's chatterin'.
"Press the button -- the button is bad"?

Last season left off with some wild action and high drama, subtly foretold by an eerily apropos Bob Marley song--Walt stolen from a ship, the lid blown off a bottomless pit, limbs made strong by the hand of the almighty, Locke having no fear of the island’s atomic(?) energy…--but were any of our many questions answered?

Not really, but that's the way it goes. The "viewers with control" string us along and along, just not for too long, lest we jump ship.

What’s in the hatch? A ladder. Now where does it go?

What’s the monster? Something mechanical, by the sound of it. But what?

What’s up with the cursed numbers? No clue.

Locke’s prescience? Walt’s Beastmaster steez and backgammon prowess? Nothing doing there either.

Frustrating ain’t it? Fret not, though, if I know anything about television (and I most certainly do not) many of these questions will be answered with the quickness in Season 2, so they can hurry up and throw a bunch more freaky mysteries our way.

So what happens? Don’t ask me, I’ll let you know on Thursday morning. I’ve got a few minor predictions, though.

• The hatch is a dead-end, but a revealing one.
• I’d be real surprised if young Walt doesn’t summon a Great White or something and put a serious hurting on those Lynyrd-Skynyrd’s-roadies-looking pirates.
• Back in the caves, I’m pretty sure that anorexic little blond tramp is about to step out on Sayid. We can only pray she does so with saucy, saucy, Ana Lucia.

Feel like torturing yourself with flash-based ABC promotional goodies?

Go here. "Explore." Click on "Rousseau's Bunker." Connect the dots. Watch clips from last season. Get your DOOM on and shoot a polar bear.

Do the same for "The Hatch." Wait for a sneak preview of the season premier. Guess who's going down...

I'm sure there's plenty more, see what you can come up with.